Dating: Not for the Faint of Heart
Dating, especially in New York City, is not for the faint of heart.
This is one of the most discussed topics for our single clients.
We caught up with Dr. Nadia Nieves for her advice on how to deal with some common dating concerns we hear from our clients:
“Dating is scary. I'd like to avoid it all together but I know it's something I have to do to find a partner."
Many of us find the world of dating to be not only scary but chaotic, uncertain, and unfortunately, necessary. If you are struggling with this fear, first know that you are certainly not alone. Putting yourself out there is a risk; there is a risk that you could be rejected AND (sometimes even scarier) a risk that you may make an important connection.
Secondly, consider what aspects of dating are particularly fear-inducing for you. Is it the first date jitters? Is it the fear of being ghosted? Is it not knowing what it feels like to really click with someone? Or is it something bigger than all of that? Being curious and clarifying what specifically feels scary or threatening to you can help you confront those fears. It can also help you identify ways to adapt and make yourself more comfortable in this process.
Thirdly, have you thought about how you want to find a partner? Online dating seems to be our go-to these days. However, it could be worth it to think about whether or not your preference is to meet someone in a specific environment. Do you feel more like yourself at Comic-Con or a Garlic Festival than you do at a bar or online?
Lastly, consider the possibility that most fishes in the sea can feel just as scared as you.
"I'm starting to like someone but I don't know how they feel about me. I don't like initiating conversations like this. What do I do?"
You've connected with someone and now you want to know where it's going. The issue is that you want to know where the other person's head is at without actually having to be the one ask. Let's break down this very common worry.
What are you expecting? In other words, what is your gut telling you about how this person will respond if you bring it up?
What does it mean to you to be the first to bring something up? We often assume that these conversations just happen and should be effortless. However, that does not accurately represent reality. Since we are not mind readers, we typically have to ask if we want to know what someone's thoughts are.
"I'm sick of being ghosted. It makes me want to give up."
Ghosting totally sucks. You think you've connected with someone and then all of a sudden the person disappears off the face of the earth. It's hurtful to go from receiving attention and connection from someone to getting nothing at all from them and being left on read. When someone ghosts you, you are being rejected, but it's the type of rejection that feels unclear, which makes it harder to accept and deal with. At some point, we start to realize that the likelihood of you encountering this again is very high because the ones doing the ghosting are avoiders, and there are lots of them. Whether or not these people are avoiding conflict or emotional intimacy, you are still left with a not so great feeling in the end that can be pretty demotivating. If you can't get that person to reappear, it could be worth it to experiment with calling ghosting out when it happens.
