Are You Codependent, or Just Deeply Committed to Not Being a Burden?
A Psychodynamic Take on Codependency, With a Wink and a Quiz
Somewhere between "I'm just a really caring person" and "I'm emotionally fused with my barista" lies the tender terrain of codependency. And while TikTok might call it a vibe, psychodynamic theory offers a deeper lens.
First, a Quiz (Because Insight Can Be Fun):
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How Codependent Are You, Really?
A friend says “We need to talk,” and you cancel your plans, draft five apology texts, and start reliving 8th grade—
A. Because you care
B. Because you’re low-key terrified of someone being mad at you
You say “No worries!” when—
A. There are, in fact, many worries
B. You want to feel easy to loveWhen you finally express a need, you apologize three times and offer cookies
A. Because you're polite and well-stocked
B. Because expressing a need feels borderline criminalYou feel guilty when you're not useful to someone
A. It's nice to be needed
B. ...It's actually how you feel safe
So, What Is Codependency Psychodynamically?
We can’t reduce codependency to a checklist. Codependency isn’t a diagnosis—it’s a relational style, shaped by unconscious beliefs, developmental wounds, and defenses that once protected you.
Often, people who struggle with codependent patterns had early caregivers who were inconsistent, overwhelmed, or subtly (or not-so-subtly) required them to suppress their own needs. Over time, you learned to attune to others at the cost of attuning to yourself.
This isn’t weakness. It’s adaptation.
Defenses in Disguise
There are plenty of unconscious ways we protect ourselves from feeling too much. With codependency, you might dabble with:
Reaction formation: Acting cheerful when you’re hurt
Introjection: Blaming yourself for someone else’s anger
Idealization: Believing if you’re good enough, no one will ever leave
These defenses are like life hacks that haven’t been updated- they helped you navigate early relationships. But in adult life, they can keep you stuck in exhausting patterns of caretaking, guilt, and over-functioning.
Therapy, But Make It Deep (and Actually Helpful)
Psychodynamic therapy helps you bring these unconscious dynamics into awareness—not to shame you, but to give you more choice. It’s about slowing down the “no worries!” reflex and wondering, Whose worry am I carrying here?
Over time, you learn to:
Identify your own needs without apologizing
Tolerate the (completely human) anxiety of disappointing someone
Stay connected without disappearing
TLDR
If your inner voice sounds like a mix of Oprah and a hostage negotiator… it might be time to explore the deeper roots of your relational style. Psychodynamic therapy won’t fix you (you’re not broken), but it might help you stop ghostwriting other people’s feelings.
